The other day, I read a blogpost on wife abuse. Nothing spectacular there, I guess, it was sad and it was the usual thing: man hits wife, wife is broken, two children, wife won't leave.
Then, I read the 'comments' left behind by a whole host of caring Malaysians - and my eyes nearly popped! I couldn't believe what I was reading. I am still subscribed to the 'comments', so my eyes are still popping, and I am so angry I need to write!
The gist of what they're saying is this: she should pray. Then, she should leave. She should think of her children, and not just think about herself. She should be strong. She should know her rights. She should be smarter than to stay with an abuser who does not love her. She shouldn't have become his second wife in the first place. She shouldn't have defied her parents and run away with him. The idiocy goes on and on and on.
What are these people saying? Although they don't know it, they're saying it is HER fault! Like she has some control here; like she can actually do something about the situation she is in!
Where have these morons been all this time when there is so much in the news about wife abuse, and all it entails? Do they not read? Have they been living on Mars?
I am so riled, I am probably being incoherent. But I don't care.
There is one woman who asked what was wrong with her: she'd been brutalised and was black and blue, and still she would not leave? How nuts is she?
I think women are their (our?) worst enemy. We are seldom compassionate with our sisters. If one of us talks about how bad it was during a particular childbirth, there will always be another who can trump that story with gorier details. 'You think you had it bad? Did your uterus hang out of your vagina?! Mine did!' Try beating that, I tell you!
Shhheesh. No, no one's actually said that - to me. I can't vouch for what they're actually saying out there.
But back to the wife abuse: People seem to think that it is easy for a woman to just walk out. Take the children, and go.
They don't seem to remember that the abuser has already figured that that is what she wants to do, so he preempts her leaving by saying: if you leave, I will find you. I will take the children and you'll never see them again. I will kill you. Or, better: I will kill them. Women and our children: we're preprogrammed to die for them, I feel.
So, here is this over-flow of useless advice by a bunch of idiots, and all because they feel they are 'cleverer' than she is. Why? Because their husbands didn't abuse them. They think.
To all of them, I say, do this:
Look at your husband. Put a face on the abuser. Imagine that it is your husband who hit you.
Oh stop!!! You are probably just like me. I have said it so many times, it's boring even in my own ears: If a man ever touches me, that's IT! No second chance. I am so out that door - with my children lah.
But, I am talking in a vacuum. I am talking about an imaginary husband, an imaginary man. I am speaking vaguely, and in theory. I am not being real.
Now, I picture my husband hitting me... that is such a hard thing to do. Because he is such a loving and gentle man, and I know he will never strike me.
But what if I nag him and nag him, and F-word him. What if I do this for hours on end, and finally, in sheer frustration and rage, he hits me. What do I do? What will I think? How will I react?
Will I draw up to my full five feet and say, 'This is IT! I am so out of here!' and then walk out?
OR, will I cry and say that it is I who is sorry - I shouldn't have goaded him, I should have shut up, I should have... oh, I don't know, I can think of a hundred reasons why I would't want to walk out because it is him - the him that I love, the him that I know didn't mean to hit me, because he loves me.
Because it was my fault.
And that is what so many abused wives think: it was my fault. I didn't cook the dish right; I didn't keep the house clean enough; I didn't do this, I didn't do that. I was dressed wrong; I was dressed so provocatively it made me look cheap; the reasons would go on and on.
And then, I will forgive this imaginary husband who hit me - because I know he is sorry. And he may be crying, he may be on his knees saying how he will never do it again.
And I forgive him, because I know he means it. Because I want to believe with all my soul that he means it, and he will never hurt me again.
But he does. And we play out the same scene again. And again. And again.
And then, it is months. And then, years. When, do I decide that it's enough?
I am now a part of the syndrome of abuse. I become like all the other victims out there: I identify with my abuser and I know that he is right, and I am wrong. He has told me so many times, I believe it now. I know I deserve it. I know he is only trying to make me better than I am. I know he loves me: doesn't he say he is sorry? Doesn't he cry and love me so well after he has hit me?
And with the abuse will come the loving, be it sex, or a hug and soft, contrite words. And the abused will become a part of the dance: she knows that after the pain, he will be again become the man she ran away with, the man she fell in love with, the man who will protect her.
How does she leave this man? How does she walk away?
Does it look like it is an easy task ahead of her? Does it feel that it is obvious, what she should do?
In her shoes, do you think you would do better? Could you do better? Do you think you'll just up and leave?
Remember, that by this time, he has cut you off from family, from friends, from your neighbours, from anyone who may be able to help you. He has isolated you - in the midst of hundreds and hundreds of people, you are alone. And HE is your only saviour.
Do you think you will have the courage to just walk out the door? Do you think you will even think of doing that? Do you think it will be something that would be a 'natural next step' for you to take?
I think that the one thing that would break this cycle, for me, at least, would be if he hit my child. If he hurt my child, and I hear him weep and scream in pain - I know I would take something heavy and hard, and club him to death. NO ONE hurts my baby! No one.
But again, have you not heard of mothers, and fathers, who've known that the other was hurting their child, and they kept mum? Why? Because it is not an easy decision. That's why. It is never easy to do the 'right thing'. Most times, it is hard. And when it involves someone you love, it is complicated as well as difficult.
So, I don't know what to do. I have no advice for her, who is being abused. I feel her pain, and I physically hurt for her, but I know I cannot reach her, for what I say will fall on deaf ears, and eyes that do not see. She is lost inside his world, and I cannot reach her.
One day, maybe, he will cross the line. She will either die, or she will find the light inside her to get up and take her children and walk out. She'll chance whatever he says is out there. Something will click inside her, and she'll know that that's better than staying on with him. I pray that day comes soon.
And I can only pray that the ones I love don't ever have to face this. That they marry people who love them, and who will never strike them. Ever.
Violence is a sickness. If you don't start, you need never worry about getting in trouble because it is out of control. Unless you are part of the mafia or some gang lah. Then, it's your occupation - then, don't bring your 'work' home, is all I plead.
If you have daughters, tell them that they are loved. Teach them to be strong, and talk to them about everything. So that, if there is a problem, it will come out: in a story she tells you, in a comment she makes, in something she avoids talking about. And, so, you will know - and as always, knowledge is power.
You may be able to reach her, and help her leave him. Or, you may be able to reach him and tell him you'll boil his balls in oil in he ever touches your child again - and you must have the means to actually make good on this threat, of course.
This is a sad world when we cannot empathise with someone who is hurting. It is a sad world when we judge and climb up on our high horses and say flippantly, 'just do it: leave'.
All this shows up is our stupidity, and our lack of knowledge and compassion.
All it says about us is that we are ostriches - hiding our heads in the sand, because we cannot face what is right in front of us: so much pain that it is unimaginable how she is able to bear it, and we feel impotent in our inability to make it go away.
And please, of all the things you do, please don't tell her to pray. No one is listening. If someone was, she wouldn't be suffering, surely? For what would the reason for this suffering be, pray tell.
