Sometimes, love happens

At the end of this week, we'll be celebrating our 27th wedding anniversary. Big deal, eh? And an even bigger deal is the fact that we met in August, in 1980 - which would make next month the 30th anniversary of our lives together. Because, yes, we were joined at the hip from the time we met, until now.

But the biggest deal of all, is the fact that I still love him. And I know that he still loves me. I still smile when I think of him; I still miss him when he's away, or when I go away - it's a physical need, almost, and I feel something inside me tell me to get myself home. Soon.

And no, it's not a sexual thing. It's more the need to hold him, and to feel him hold me, and to smell him and know he is real. It is like he is an extension of me, and what I need to be alive.

And another 'no' - it has not been a fairy tale of happiness, and smiles and tripping around and singing It's a beautiful day every day of our lives together!

There have been bad times, and there were times we weren't very good friends, and there were times I wished I was anywhere but there with him. But if you ask me 'when', I'd be hard pressed to give you an answer now. I'd have to think, think, think about it.

And yes, there were times when I felt coddled, and trapped, and that my wings were clipped - but again, these were about me and not about him holding me down, or back, or saying 'no'.

In fact, there were so many crazy things I wanted to do, and did - and all not only with his blessings, but with his support and with him as an ardent fan, cheering me on!

And when I needed strength, he would be there. When I needed to cry, he would hold me and let me. And whenever there was a mess, he was there to help me fix it and make it right.

So the 'best friends' thingy so many people throw around is true for us. We laugh together, we have fun with each other, and we're good for each other. And we've yet to strangle the life out of each other after all these years!

And with our anniversary approaching, to read that someone else's marriage has ended after 30 years, was a little frightening. I read her blog entries and I am not surprised - she never pretended that all was good. She would allude to problems, mention that their relationship had changed, and that things weren't always perfect.

I did feel that that was a little too much to 'share' on a blog, and especially one with so many visitors, but maybe that was how she sorted things out inside her head; or got comfort and felt that she was not alone.

And then I read that he has found someone else. And I am filled with rage - for this person I have never met, the husband of a person I have never met, and sometimes don't care for very much at that (only because we are so very different, and I think we could never be real friends - but that's another story).

So there I am, thinking that men are beasts, and why can't they keep it in their pants, and why is he fooling around when he has a wife at home, and seven children with her to boot?!

And then I wonder: could it be that he didn't go searching for it? Could it be that the other she didn't either? Could it be that they, perhaps, worked together, or their paths crossed of and on, and over time, they realised that there was something there, and eventually it grew too big for them to pretend it wasn't there?

Could it be that love had died at home? That over time, they just existed - side by side, but not really together there? Could it be that there was a meeting of bodies regularly (seven kids, and many still in school), but there was seldom a meeting of minds?

And while sex pervades everything we see and hear and smell and feel around us, it is not the most important thing in a marriage. Yes, the bodies need to meet. But if the minds seldom do, then it is doomed.

And so I stop, and I am confused about how I should feel. Should I be mad at him for finding someone else? At her for telling everyone and Ali's uncle about her failing marriage and ultimatum to her husband - so much so that it reaches the mainstream media and now everyone must know, not only those of us who read her blog?

And as a woman, I feel I am betraying my kind if I 'understand' that sometimes, these things happen. Love dies, and people need to accept it and move on.

If she had been the one who found someone else, she would have been crucified in her blog, and in the press. As it is, she is being crucified for writing about something so private, and for not letting her husband 'be'. It is a strange world here, where polygamy is perfectly all right, and there are those who tell her that she should just 'accept' and be wife number 1, while he fiddles with wife number 2. A totally alien and abhorrent idea to me - but I'll not voice that because it is about religion and religious tenets, and I am the last one to visit with that!

What would I do if I were in her place? What would I do if my 'he' walked in later and told me that he has found someone else? What would I do, if like her, I innocently pick up his phone and find calls and sms's from 'someone' I don't know and never heard of?

I think I may black out. Yup, that's how I deal with real important issues - just faint away.

But when I open my eyes, I will ask him about it. And he will tell me. He has never lied to me, and I don't think he will this time.

I know the children will kill him. (She writes that her children are angry and upset with her for the blog entries. But what do they feel about what their father has done? She does not say.) I know mine will not see reason or excuse - they will just close their minds, and an iron door will land between them and their father, that I will ever try to melt and break down, because it should not be there.

And me? What would I do? I know I will be in pain. I can imagine it now - but I am wise enough to know that this is no where near how totally and completely it will blacken my world.

Will I fight him? Will I 'cut it off and feed it to the sharks' like I've always said I would? Would I scream and cry and say what a jerk he is?

I can't predict how I will react - except to know that I would feel my world had ended. And all my predictions of what I'll do is clouded by the fact that I love him now  - and so I know I cannot know how I will feel, and what I would do.

But if he were to tell me he loved someone else, I know I would not fight to keep him with me. I know I would not want him if he didn't want me. Of that, I can be sure.

How sad this is. I'm talking about the 'her' of the blog I mentioned - not me! How sad that, in your fifties, and after 30 years together, you wake up one morning and realise it is all over. Just like that.

But then again, I don't think it was 'just like that'. I think her husband has a brain in his head. I've read his blog and I know that he is an intelligent man. Oh, but maybe his dick has a mind of his own, you say? You might be right - you can never tell with men. Their dicks often seem to have minds of their own, don't they?

But I base this on the premise that these are two decent people. That they loved each other once, but that that love died, and now he has found someone else.

I am not talking about that randy man who cannot see a skirt - he has to get into it! I have no time for men like that, and if he is your husband, get rid of him, and good riddance, I tell you!

So, back to me: Always, as our anniversary approaches (I've forgotten it a couple of times, over the years, and he has never let me forget that!!!), I look back at our lives together and I know that that has been good, and that we have been happy. We find joy in being with each other, and we still enjoy each other's company!

And I know that I love him today as much as I loved him at the start - and, to be honest, I feel it's even more than I did then.

And I am looking forward to the years ahead because I know I have found my good man, and life with him will continue to be a good one.

Happy anniversary to us both. And here's to many, many more.